Empty Arms

When a baby is born, the hospital has you wear “scent clothes”. You put them under your clothes to catch the smell of mommy. Daddy got one too and we changed them out for ones in Jrs incubator as much as we could. We wanted him to not feel so alone.. Ironic I would end up being the one gripping those same clothes only days later. Desperate for his scent and to feel his presence.

After discharging us from the hospital I was warned of all the things my body would feel after birth. I had severely sore and swollen breasts from the sudden stop of breast pumping. My stomach was tender from the internal/vertical and external/horizontal incision due to the c-section being an emergency. The other symptom I was warned about was something called “empty arms syndrome” . When a woman loses a child so suddenly after birth, it causes you to feel physical pain in your chest and body. I didn’t experience this until a few weeks after being home, maybe because of the shock of everything.

I cry at night, sometimes because I miss him but mostly because I love him so much it hurts. I feel the pain and longing in my chest from grief, its crippling.